Back in the Summer of 2012 I was working for a local coffee shop that had organized a small art fair. I set up my first booth selling lip balms, soaps, knitted items, paintings, and jewelry. I had a small measure of success, selling more than every other participating vendor, and I met many wonderful people.
As the art fair ended, I was essentially fired from my position as a Barista after having had my under-the-table “raise” taken away. I was paid so little at this job that I didn’t even make enough to qualify for unemployment. (I’ll spare you the drama, argument for #UBI and #FederalJobsGuarantee) I had already been searching for a new job, as the owners were creating a toxic work environment and had taken all the joy out of the work for me. I set my sights across the street to the La-Z-Boy world headquarters. I deserved a living wage. (5 more years before I acheived it. #FightFor$15) One of my co-workers provided me a good reference after she was hired into the call center at La-Z-Boy. As a part-time barista with no kids, I had a taste of what it was to live in creative flow, although I had not yet grasped the full scope of my potential, nor my inherent worth. I knew I deserved better. On the day of my interview with La-Z-Boy, I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter,
Melody Kat.
Initially, I loved my new job. I was part time at 30 hours a week. I worked at a desk and I could not believe that I was being paid nearly double what the coffee shop paid me, (to sit!) for what seemed like easy and intellectually stimulating work. After I returned from my unpaid 6 week maternity leave (NOT LONG ENOUGH!) I was offered full time with benefits. This seemed like a blessing because part-time hours were cut from 30 hours to 25 hours per week after the ACA was passed and Obama made 30 hours a week Full Time.
(We need #MedicareForAll)
Over time I began to suffer from mental, emotional, and physical fatigue. As a full-time employee, I was subject to Mandatory OT which went on for nearly 5 of the 6 years I was employed with the company. While working at the old Telegraph location, we were banned from using our Personal Time while on mandatory OT unless it was scheduled in advance. If we needed to call in sick or needed to use our PT for any reason on short notice, we were required to make the time up that same week or suffer disciplinary action including possible termination. What’s worse is that they still took our PT away, even with the mandate that we make up our time. Nearly the whole department was sick. I recall going to HR, with a fever, to complain about the mandate that we make up our PT on OT policy. HR didn’t care and only stated they were aware of our concerns, in classic customer service fashion. I began researching how to unionize the call center. I’m not sure what changed but (coincidentally) they ended the policy.
All this coupled with the average struggles of being a new Mom and suddenly the realization dawned on me, there was no more time or space for all the things that had brought me joy, filled my cup, made me unique, allowed me to create and feel the magic in my world. The long hours of corporate double think and double speak, being berated by horrible entitled people, and not being aloud to knit became increasingly unbearable. I felt trapped between the responsibility of being a parent and therefore needing a job with decent beneffits and pay, and yet being so miserable and desperate to quit. I was afraid that I messed up and made a wrong turn. I should have believed in myself rather than looking for "financial security" alone, and now I was stuck, in a soul crushing, spirit diminishing occupation, and the pent up stress and anxiety grew around my hips and waist. I felt so strongly that I was made for more important things than this! My talent was wasting away and my worst fear was that this was all I had to look forward to; Same Shit Different Day. “Please God, Please! Don’t let me be Normal!”
My inner turmoil would ebb and flow into varying degrees of depression that remained largely internalized until I would inevitably explode into tears/rage in front of my husband and/or daughter. (Not a good look) I recall one particular day when I felt the despair as a heavy weight on my chest and in my head. It was all encompassing and consuming. It wasn’t linked to any particular thought other than I hated my job and wanted to be free. I learned later through a little research and deductive reasoning that I was experiencing a magnesium deficiency due to the combined effects of my “normal stress” and my newly discovered second pregnancy with Miss Harmony Belle. I drank some coconut water.
Harmony was an unplanned surprise. I was scared that we weren’t ready for a second baby. Our home at the time was too small as it was and we could barely afford childcare for one. As it turned out, Harmony brought with her the blessing of balance such as her name imparts. This time around I had full benefits and could take advantage FMLA. Therefore, I took full advantage of all 12 weeks permitted under FMLA, although only the first 6 weeks were paid.
(The arbitrary barriers to this very basic protection is absurd! Can we get Paid Family Leave & Universal Childcare already? #HelloSombody)
Everything that felt so hard the first time around, came so much easier with Harmony. My body recovered faster, my husband was able to take the first week off with me, I was even able to take the girls to visit with my friend for a week. She was a very patient and quiet baby. She did not fuss much and seemed to soak everything in, even her cry was soft and sweet. (Melody was a very easy baby too but not quiet or as patient as Harmony ;) I had anticipated reliving many of the same struggles I went through after Melody was born, only to discover that I had already jumped those hurdles and it was all coming so much easier. This was the real beginning of the end at La-Z-Boy for me.
Less than Two months after returning from maternity leave and we were faced with the stark reality of losing everything if we didn’t make some drastic changes. We were literally losing money paying for two children in full-time Day Care. I had to drop back down to part time. This was Life Changing for me.
The relief I felt that HR and my manager were allowing me to step down to part time was enormous. I felt happier and lighter. I had more patience for my children and I no longer had this chronic burdensome weight on my psyche. Its hard to explain why without boring you to madness, but if you’ve ever worked in a call center, I bet you already get it. This lasted about 3 months. I started knitting again.
The axis of my life shifted from work (draining) to family (fulfilling). I was able to
experience more joy in my day to day life as well as more time outside in nature. With my mind in a more relaxed state I was able to dream about what I wanted my future to be.
I wanted to combine all of my interests into a sustainable business model where most of my supplies were produced on our own land and I would never again feel obligated to deny the essential individuality of who I am. I imagined and the possibilities were endless. I wanted to create for myself and my family a quality of life that the status quo could never provide.
I imagined living in a space that better fostered our individual creative expression and personal growth. What would that look like. I saw in my mind; art everywhere, a bountiful garden, Fruit trees, Loofah vines, chickens, and angora goats or sheep. I
wanted to combine all of my interests into a sustainable business model where most of my supplies were produced on our own land and I would never again feel obligated to deny the essential individuality of who I am. What exactly were the trappings that kept me in this job?; responsibility to children, and wanting to buy my own home one day.
Question: What exactly were the trappings that kept me in this job?
Answer: Responsibility to children, and wanting to buy my own home one day.
We had been renting for several years from my Father-In-Law for a very reasonable rate. However, our little family had doubled since we first moved in and it was too small for a family of four. Also, I wanted 100% control over the land. The yard was beautiful, but I had no control over the items my father-in-law decided to dump off in the yard, such as a boat and building materials; plus, he was ALWAYS killing my plants! I digress.
If I quit, all my work history would be for naught and I would never be approved for a mortgage. I needed a new space and lifestyle that was more conducive to the creative process. I devised a plan.
Step 1. I needed to buy my own home.
Step 2. Quit (when the time is right)
Step 3. Build the garden
Step 4. Start making stuff and be awesome!
Step 5. Chickens & Goats
By this point, I was back to Full-Time status after applying for a promotion to the Escalation Team. This helped boost my pay by an additional $3 per hour. I applied for an IDA through MCOP for first-time home buyers. This was a matching program that incentivized saving with the promise of a 3/1 match after you’ve saved a minimum $1000 over the course of at least 1 year. This, combined with our tax refund would be enough for a down payment and appraisal costs.
One day I attended a local farmer’s market and met an older (than me) woman who was selling her homespun yarn. I shared that I was a novice spinner myself and I asked how long she had been selling her work. I don't recall the whole of her answer except that she said it was something she enjoyed when she was young but had to put it down until her children had grown and moved out. This stuck hard and a lump grew in my throat. Internally, this story had me reeling; “I can’t wait that long!” The very notion of spending the next 20 years in SSDD nearly sent me in a tailspin depression.
I spoke with my husband about it, how I hated my job and all I really wanted to do was garden and make stuff and be AWESOME again. I did not initially get the support I wanted in this moment.
He said he was “afraid” every time I talked about leaving my job because the kids were on my insurance and I made more than half of our income. Logical; my rational mind agreed… but my emotional self was dominant in this half-baked therapy session in the front seat of our car. Incoherent ugly-sobbing while another part of my mind defiantly screamed, “FUCK LOGIC!” I certainly didn’t feel very logical. It seemed the societal construct and all its various forms of infrastructure had somehow penetrated the
consciousness of the collective with self limiting and sabotaging beliefs. Here I was actively working to break the grip of these thought forms within myself only to be confronted with them again, here in my favorite person. Fortunately, I’m a stubborn
and fiery Aries, determined to prove the world wrong! I can have my cake and eat it too. Cake is Delicious!
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