This is an entertainment piece of some internet based drama and the lessons I gained through the experience.
Back Story: My Spiritual awakening was gaining momentum and I felt the inner and outer push to share my story with the world. I was nervous about sharing some of the most private and sacred parts of myself with the world, but I also knew other people like me existed. I wanted to find my soul tribe or for them to find me. I wanted to be understood on all levels, and above all I wanted rich experiences with like minded individuals. I wanted to show others the beauty that life bestows and how that beauty expresses through me. I wanted to be seen, and I resolved myself to be fully and authentically me in all ways, whether shared with the world or not. I also wanted my expression of Kinetic Awesomeness to spark that same desire in others to be the most brilliant and authentic versions of their selves.
Upon creating a video ritual calling in my soul tribe, I did a search and the first video that came up was for this girl that poured out her entire soul on the internet without a care for how vulnerable or exposed she was. I thought this meant I could trust her. I listened to her story and found I could relate with aspects but knew I did not ever want to be the type to cry on a live stream. She had moments of profound clarity and I wanted to encourage her. I tuned in more and more, liking videos, making comments, participating in live streams. It felt fun and I over looked the Red Flags. I was lonely for friends that understood my spiritual side, other than my husband.
Fast Forward a few months, we exchanged emails, My husband and I did an Interview with her on Twin Flames. It seemed to go well, I was really excited and wanted to share so much. Maybe too much, but the most sacred things I still held tight to. She still doesn't know what I haven't shared. No one does, but all in divine timing. I ended up paying for one of her discounted, one on ones. I was going through a lot with my mother dying of cancer, the dogs, and that whole mess and I was also frustrated with Keith. I wanted an impartial friend who understood the feminine and spiritual side of things. I just needed a friend to listen, essentially. I had to pay her to listen. This made me really sad. It did feel good to have someone to talk to but she didn't fully understand the complex nature of having a parent that is actually DYING, while you yourself are a parent.
By May 2021 My Mom was in the hospital and I ended up staying at my Mom's trailer to care for her Dogs. ( this is a long story that may become a book one day) That first night, I tuned into one of her live streams and at first she was very loving and complimentary. I shared my current circumstances, happy not to feel alone. She didn't understand why I would do this. I explained it was because I loved my Mom and she was dying. I thought that would have been explanation enough. I honestly don't remember what she said other than I got the impression that if it were her, she would have done nothing and proposed I somehow do the same. She also didn't understand the dynamics between my siblings and I. The way we each step in when needed at different times to help each other and our Mother out. She didn't understand that we were a team and I wasn't alone in this even though I was alone that night. She didn't understand that we had already been mentally prepared for this, knowing it would be inevitable, even as our Mother seemingly refused to face it. J couldn't understand that I couldn't abandon my Mom knowing she was in her last days. That is not what love does.
So, unbeknownst to me until a few days later, she sends me the following email the very next day;
J J J
Wed, May 19 at 8:54 AM
It meant a lot that you came to the livestream last night. Thank you for supporting me. But I do have to let you know that lately; I have been noticing more and more negative energies around you. And it's making it difficult in the chat for me to speak openly. I feel like the people you're around right now in your life are draining you, and unfortunately, I feel you are carrying it around with you. I'm sorry to have to do this Heather, but I'm going to ask that you please take a pause from coming onto the channel for a while. Just at least until things have settled down with the things going on around you. As the channel owner, I am responsible for a lot of empaths. And we are all very sensitive to energies. And I understand why you feel you need to help people that are toxic. But it simply isn't fair to everyone else. I'm sorry to have to do this. I hope you can forgive me. But I need to put the livestream first and right now honey, I felt this was the best thing to do. I love you. I'm sending you a lot of love. I hope things work out soon. -J (So roughly 2 months later we're releasing Haunted Bodies and I get the idea to invite J to check it out, which leads me to reading the above email again about 5 days later and realizing I still had words left unsaid.) My retort 2 months later.
Heather DeLadurantaye This entire message sounded like cowardice to me. You don't know how to be a friend, so you tell yourself you don't need or want friends. That's sad. I was always completely genuine with you, never any bullshit. The "Toxic People", My mother died June, 25 2021 11:50 am. My sister and Grandmother were with me as we watched her take her last breath. I signed the DNR order because resuscitation was physically impossible and traumatic. I administered her pain medication and dealt with my grandmother's denial about my Mom's impending death. My real friends and family were there for me every step of the way. You essentially told me that I was too much. The very thing that you cry about all the time. The truth is that you didn't know how to react to someone dealing with real life grown up problems. Holding a mirror to you, as You cried, and I listened about how your mother was "dead to you" and how you'll "never see her again", even though she was physically still alive. Meanwhile my mother was actually physically dying and you couldn't hold space for me. You pretend like you're a great spiritual teacher responsible for the energy of others and forget that you are only responsible for yourself. The others genuinely love and respect you but don't need you. Waking up the world is not your job J. Your job is waking you up. What are you afraid of? Face it. That is all 😎 -Heather DeLadurantaye Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android Wed, Jul 28 at 4:37 PM
J J J To:Heather DeLadurantaye Wed, Jul 28 at 5:42 PM How DARE you accuse me of not being a good friend. I was there for you, trying to encourage you to draw boundaries and finally end your codependency on your mother. I'm sorry to hear she is gone. But HOW DARE YOU. Seriously. One day, you send me a message wanting me to support your website and music. The next. this? No. Absolutely not, Heather. Shame on you for trying to paint me as a horrible friend when I did all I could for you. You continued WANTING pain. You WANTED to hold on. You knew she was toxic for you and yet you stayed. Even admitted in one breath you needed to let go, while still staying and bringing that toxicity to my doorstep. Absolutely NOT! I have a channel to protect and your energy wasn't welcome. Not when you deliberately refused to protect your own energy and aura. I moved on from my toxic mother even when it killed me to do so. You didn't want to, and while I understand wanting a mother, you can't expect others to absorb your pain. I won't do it. I refuse. Do. Not. ever again reach out to me again. For someone to send such vile energy like you just did in this email, proves to me that you were exactly how I suspected at the end. Vengeful and angry. It's not my fault. So stop blaming me for your problems. Sounds like you need to take your own advice and face shit, too. Goodbye. So, since she is too much of a coward to face my potential reply or perhaps reflect on her short comings as a 'spiritual guide', I wrote a response for my own satisfaction and amusement. My real friends and family know without explanation this (your email) is bullshit.
You still don't get it. I had time before sending my email. The one inviting you to the website was more of a spur of the moment decision, because why the hell not? However, I understand how you could be confused at the timing of my most recent email.
In all actuality, It was that spur of the moment action that lead to this last one, becoming an (consciously) unintentional test devised by my higher self. Were you actually ready for this song? NO, as it turns out, you're not. You see, as a result of my having sent you that first email, all of our previous correspondences came to the fore, showing that last email I never replied to because I had real life to contend with. In fact, at the time so much was going on that it wasn't until days later that I saw your email. I was foolishly tuning into another one of your live streams realizing that my comments were being deleted for no apparent reason. I heard in my head, check your email. So I did and there it was.
I finally understood what some people had complained about you, and saw the patterns of how you push caring people away because of your fear of a reciprocal relationship in any form or fashion, always keeping others at arms length unless money is involved. I also couldn't ignore the blatant hypocrisy. I embody everything you've always wanted and are too afraid to have, and I didn't need to obsess about money or followers to get it. This wasn't what a true healer does. It was Fear and Cowardice, not Love, and certainly not friendship.
Any who, I moved through the complex and fast moving experiences in the days leading up to and following my mother's death, with time to assimilate, integrate, and process it all.
When your email resurfaced and I read it with new eyes, I still felt the same and felt the words still needed to be said. Thus began the final test. I wrote my reply to you, read it and reread it. I asked if this was true and found that it was; well said and to the point.
Your response was defensive, reactionary, uncaring, presumptuous, self-righteous, bordering on delusional. I laughed and high fived Keith. Emails like that were my only entertainment back in my call center days.
The moral of the story is when life gets hard, pay attention to who sticks around and who doesn't. My family and my closest friends were there for me in any way they could be. I learned who my ride or die pack was. That's all the Soul Tribe I need.
Comments